My Dearest Grandmother

60 years. There are sixty years between my grandmother's birth and my own. She has lived through what i have read in history textbooks. And at surface level, we have very little in common. I know nothing of quilting and she has never heard of Coldplay.

Yet she has influenced my life so much. Years and years ago, after my father and mother divorced, and my dear mother worked and took college courses on the side as a single mother, my grandma stepped in and spent time with me (some may call it babysitting) each day after school.

I absolutely adored her farm. There was space for 7-year-old me to chase after bugs, collect rocks, go fishing, paint a tractor and dig potatoes. What more could i have asked for? Amazing homecooked meals? Well i got those two. And on top of everything...

She is one of the very very few people in this world whose love i have never questioned. I don't exactly know why. But i have always known that she loves me and that she will love me until the day i die. As close to unconditional love as i can find, God not included.

The following are some lyrics i wrote after spending some time with her recently. It doesn't have a melody or music yet, but it will.



I NEVER DOUBT HER LOVE

We walk entangled down the street
Beautiful lady on my arm
Her blue eyes and mine, they meet
They may be tired, but they are warm
My face beams with open pride
Everyone who sees us, they smile
And though she was born in 1925
We still walk for miles and miles

I never doubt her love
I never doubt her love

I hang on every word she says
from old recipes to older songs
and though the years have softened her skin
they've also made her strong
she's lived through the depression
and more than a couple wars
buried a husband, mourned a child
and still her smile sings and soars

I never doubt her love
I never doubt her love

I wonder what she's seen
all that she knows...
Is she tired of being here?
Is she ready to go?
Our time isn't long
so i take what i can.
her star is dimming
but it's still there

Blissful Uncertainty

I was slightly apprehensive about the fact that I have absolutely no clue what I will be doing after I graduate from the University. Until i talked with my friend today.

He's got it all planned out. He has an internship with a large pharmaceutical company that will offer him a desk job at the end of September if all goes well. He will be paid well. Paid to take a desk job. Paid to work in a cubicle. Paid to sell a few of his dreams...

In exchange, he will have the means to provide for the family that he is on the verge of building. He chooses a family over his dreams.

I sincerely believe one does not have to choose between the two.

My body, my mind, and my soul were not formed and created in such a way that they fit in the 6' by 6' box in an office. My soul will not be content with paperwork. My body is not challenged by sitting in front of a computer for tireless hours. My mind does not blossom in the atmosphere of the 8-5 workweek.

So I will savor the uncertainty of adventure that currently rules my life in favor of fretting over a stability that i don't yet desire.

Some might call it 'living my freedom'. I will say that I am enjoying my liberty from the monotany and hum-drum of the predictable. I taste each bite as it comes, not knowing what flavor to expect next, but knowing only that it will be different from the last, and that there's a good possibility that I will like it.

If my life ever becomes predictable, please intervene.

Lost Luggage

And as an exclamation point in this chapter of my life that has just ended, my luggage has decided it liked the dry heat of Texas so much... it decided to stay. And so I am now without my contact solution, toothbrush, clean clothes, and almost everything else i used to survive these past 5 months. I am left with the clothes on my back, my guitar, and this computer which i am using to write this very blog in my hotel room at one o'clock in the morning.

So now what? I am forced to survive without the things which i was so accustomed to living with these past 5 months. Forced to live without a good number of things one might deem necessary for life. To live without a good number of things which had become... comfortable. Some things are replaceable... others however are unique and simply impossible to find anything remotely similar here in the United States. So I will seek to do my best to fill gaping holes.

Tomorrow I should get my luggage back. I will still have large holes to fill.

Mobile

It's almost here again. That day that i hate above all other days. "Moving Day".

First the positives however, because there are some.

I am mobile. I have proven to myself time and time again that i can pack up everything i own and fit it into a car, drive myself across the country for 24 hours, transplant my life there for months and be perfectly happy.

I am mobile. I have proven to myself that i can survive on only those items that will fit into two suitcases, and that in another country, another culture, another language. And i do not require a mobile phone to survive.

I am mobile. I have few things that tie me to my 'home', rather, the place where my parents now live, not at all the place where i grew up. I have not yet in my life felt the the feeling that i am 'homesick'... and a nagging question in the back of my mind wants to ask if that's because that idea of home has slipped away for awhile, to return when i build my own life, my own family, my own home.

But i am mobile. I do not stay in the same place for more than 6 months at a time, and i haven't had my roots in one place for the past 4 years of life. 4 years is a good amount of time.

I hate goodbye's. This lifestyle is not conducive to avoiding them, in fact it produces a lot of them. Parents, aunts, uncles, sister, brother, grandparents, good friends, old friends, best friends, new friends, friends i'll see again, some that i won't ( and i am yet to know the difference), those i'll be happy to see again but won't, those i don't want to see again but will, true friends, faithful friends, passers-by, a lover.

Each touches my life in such a way, howesoever small, that i cannot help but become a different person. I am constantly changing, taking pieces from the people around me, so that the next person i meet will meet someone new.

I am mobile. It has spelled the death of romance time and time again, before or after it's begun. It has been the overarching theme in a series of relationships that will leave me wanting.

It's almost time again. And from my experience, i can tell you that i will be just fine. I don't cry. I don't even regret the leaving. I am such a person that can be happy wherever i might be. However... i am left with that sensation of longing. Longing for the home that i have yet to build.

Ah, L'Amour

To be fair, 98% of the girls/women that i've met aren't at all like this... and the 2% that are may have good reasons for such defenses... as chainsaws, sharp knives, a revolver etc. In fact, the most telling part of the flick might be the part with the 'heavier set' lady... that i've found to be quite true on the part of the guy. All in good fun. Enjoy!

3 escenas

Ayer, yo estaba esperando fuera del hospital cuando empezó a llover (una sopresa…). Esto solamente puede añadir a la miseria de la gente que visita padres tal vez terminando la vida, amantes lesionados o hijos enfermos en el hospital. Y comenzó a llover más duro. Un buen día para quedar en la cama. Pero un pequeño porcentaje de la población estaba indiferente a la lluvia. No indiferente, de hecho, sacaron gozo de la lluvia. Ellos saltaron en los charcos, y cuando tuvieron la opción de caminar debajo de un techo o en la lluvia, por supuesto eligieron caminar con las bocas abiertas, para agarrar las gotas.

Cambio de la escena. En los carros chocones. La personalidad de cada uno fue manifestada en el estilo de manejar el carro. Algunos trataron de evitar los choques a toda costa. Me parecio que no disfrutaron el juego, solamente manejaron con rostros llenos de preocupación. Y me pregunté porque escogieron este juego… pero por encima de las preocupaciones de algunos, se puede oír los gritos de alegría de los niños.

En el bus para casa, había silencio. Casi. Solamente una persona estaba hablando, e irónicamente, fue la persona con más poca cantidad de práctica, no mas de tres años. Y de hecho, este niño era la única persona que estaba sonriendo… sin una cara inquietante y cansada, todavía sale ileso por los años.

Soundtrack to a Life

I've often wished I could have a continuous soundtrack to my life. Nothing to loud or elaborate, just some background music to put the finishing touches on moments of passion, freedom, loneliness, stupidity, and the general enjoying of life. And with my handy-dandy Ipod, i've almost got it i suppose... at any rate, i think you can learn a lot about a person from the books they read, the movies they enjoy, and for me, i think most can be communicated through the music i love, as it's such a strong part of my life. So here's a list of my favorite 11 songs with some commentary. Let me know if you want me to send you any of these, i'd be more than happy.

11. "Clair De Lune" by Claude Debussy. You might recognize it from the end of Ocean's Eleven. I'm a sucker for romantic music (not having to do with love, but the period of "classical" music that coincides with impressionism in painting, chronologically speaking) and this definitely is a thing of beauty.

10. "The Lighthouse's Tale" by Nickel Creek. I'm also a sucker for bluegrass. Not country. I loathe country music, but take away the twang of country and replace it with a mandolin, violin, and a solid acoustic guitar and you get Nickel Creek. This song is probably one of the saddest i've ever heard. Told from the perspective of the lighthouse, it recounts the tale of on old romance that ends in a death and a suicide.

9. "Push" by Matchbox 20. Told from the point of view of a neglected and abused woman, Rob Thomas pulls at the heartstrings with lyrics like "I don't know if i've ever been really loved/ by a hand that's touched me" and "I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me/ Couldn't stand to be near me/ When my face don't seem to want to shine". Powerful stuff.

8. "Come Away With Me" by Norah Jones. "The Nearness of You" could also be substituted for this song. There is nothing in the world that can set the right late evening, post-buzz, enjoyable company, wrapped-in-each-other's-arms mood than Norah. Simply beautiful.

7. "Kill" by Jimmy Eat World. After being put asleep by the past 4, this one will wake you up. A general rant on having to wait for a significant other, and a bitter complaint against an unrequieted love, the end of this song is full of strength. "I loved you, and I should've said it. But tell me just what has it ever meant? I can't help it, Baby, this is who I am. Sorry sorry but i can't just go turn off how i feel." Not so poetic, but with Jim Adkins vocals, very powerful.

6. "A Long December" by the Counting Crows. I borrowed lyrics of this song for the title of my blog, as it's home to some of my favorites. In general, the Counting Crows are great for poetic lyrics, aside from some of their newer pop that hit the United Statesian short waves. "The smell of hospitals in winter, and the feeling that it's all a lot of oyesters, but no pearls. And all at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl."

5. "Porcelain" by Moby. You know? I don't really know why i love this song. It's a beautiful work of art. It comes with pangs of guilt, however. "I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to lie. So this is goodbye".

4. "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap. If you've never heard this song before, you've never heard anything like it, so you just plain need to hear this song. Imogen layers her voice over itself a number of times using a synthesizer, no other instruments, and produces a haunting and beautiful song full of lush harmonies. Incredibly unique. If you listen to just one of these songs, though it's not in the #1 slot, listen to this one.

3. "Do What You Have To Do" by Sarah McLachlan. I can say with all confidence that Sarah McLachlan is the most poetic songwriter that I am aware of. It also helps that her musical originality and swooning voice are also added to the mix, which produces art, time and time again.

"What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do ...
And I have the sense to recognize that
I don’t know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I’m ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize
That I don’t know how
To let you go
I don’t know how
To let you go
A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I’m shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have sense to recognize but
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go "

2. "Sparks" by Coldplay. If i could have written any one song, i would've written this one. Very characteristic of my favorite music, Sparks is a lyrically simple, slow 6/8 ballad that seems to tell of romantic failings. "My Heart is yours, it's you that i hold on to. That's what i do. I know i was wrong, I won't let you down. Oh yeah i will yeah i will, yes i really will."

1. "Clocks" by Coldplay. This is it. This has been my favorite song since the first time i heard it in 2003. I can't exactly tell you why. Lyrically, it's absolutely nothing special at all. But it's moving and beautiful. It is this song i turn to to complete the most beautiful moments of my life. It begins every road trip, completes the thin air atmosphere of every mountain i've climbed in the Grand Tetons, and ends many of my days with my head on the pillow. "Home. Home. Where I wanted to go".