My Dearest Grandmother

60 years. There are sixty years between my grandmother's birth and my own. She has lived through what i have read in history textbooks. And at surface level, we have very little in common. I know nothing of quilting and she has never heard of Coldplay.

Yet she has influenced my life so much. Years and years ago, after my father and mother divorced, and my dear mother worked and took college courses on the side as a single mother, my grandma stepped in and spent time with me (some may call it babysitting) each day after school.

I absolutely adored her farm. There was space for 7-year-old me to chase after bugs, collect rocks, go fishing, paint a tractor and dig potatoes. What more could i have asked for? Amazing homecooked meals? Well i got those two. And on top of everything...

She is one of the very very few people in this world whose love i have never questioned. I don't exactly know why. But i have always known that she loves me and that she will love me until the day i die. As close to unconditional love as i can find, God not included.

The following are some lyrics i wrote after spending some time with her recently. It doesn't have a melody or music yet, but it will.



I NEVER DOUBT HER LOVE

We walk entangled down the street
Beautiful lady on my arm
Her blue eyes and mine, they meet
They may be tired, but they are warm
My face beams with open pride
Everyone who sees us, they smile
And though she was born in 1925
We still walk for miles and miles

I never doubt her love
I never doubt her love

I hang on every word she says
from old recipes to older songs
and though the years have softened her skin
they've also made her strong
she's lived through the depression
and more than a couple wars
buried a husband, mourned a child
and still her smile sings and soars

I never doubt her love
I never doubt her love

I wonder what she's seen
all that she knows...
Is she tired of being here?
Is she ready to go?
Our time isn't long
so i take what i can.
her star is dimming
but it's still there

Blissful Uncertainty

I was slightly apprehensive about the fact that I have absolutely no clue what I will be doing after I graduate from the University. Until i talked with my friend today.

He's got it all planned out. He has an internship with a large pharmaceutical company that will offer him a desk job at the end of September if all goes well. He will be paid well. Paid to take a desk job. Paid to work in a cubicle. Paid to sell a few of his dreams...

In exchange, he will have the means to provide for the family that he is on the verge of building. He chooses a family over his dreams.

I sincerely believe one does not have to choose between the two.

My body, my mind, and my soul were not formed and created in such a way that they fit in the 6' by 6' box in an office. My soul will not be content with paperwork. My body is not challenged by sitting in front of a computer for tireless hours. My mind does not blossom in the atmosphere of the 8-5 workweek.

So I will savor the uncertainty of adventure that currently rules my life in favor of fretting over a stability that i don't yet desire.

Some might call it 'living my freedom'. I will say that I am enjoying my liberty from the monotany and hum-drum of the predictable. I taste each bite as it comes, not knowing what flavor to expect next, but knowing only that it will be different from the last, and that there's a good possibility that I will like it.

If my life ever becomes predictable, please intervene.

Lost Luggage

And as an exclamation point in this chapter of my life that has just ended, my luggage has decided it liked the dry heat of Texas so much... it decided to stay. And so I am now without my contact solution, toothbrush, clean clothes, and almost everything else i used to survive these past 5 months. I am left with the clothes on my back, my guitar, and this computer which i am using to write this very blog in my hotel room at one o'clock in the morning.

So now what? I am forced to survive without the things which i was so accustomed to living with these past 5 months. Forced to live without a good number of things one might deem necessary for life. To live without a good number of things which had become... comfortable. Some things are replaceable... others however are unique and simply impossible to find anything remotely similar here in the United States. So I will seek to do my best to fill gaping holes.

Tomorrow I should get my luggage back. I will still have large holes to fill.

Mobile

It's almost here again. That day that i hate above all other days. "Moving Day".

First the positives however, because there are some.

I am mobile. I have proven to myself time and time again that i can pack up everything i own and fit it into a car, drive myself across the country for 24 hours, transplant my life there for months and be perfectly happy.

I am mobile. I have proven to myself that i can survive on only those items that will fit into two suitcases, and that in another country, another culture, another language. And i do not require a mobile phone to survive.

I am mobile. I have few things that tie me to my 'home', rather, the place where my parents now live, not at all the place where i grew up. I have not yet in my life felt the the feeling that i am 'homesick'... and a nagging question in the back of my mind wants to ask if that's because that idea of home has slipped away for awhile, to return when i build my own life, my own family, my own home.

But i am mobile. I do not stay in the same place for more than 6 months at a time, and i haven't had my roots in one place for the past 4 years of life. 4 years is a good amount of time.

I hate goodbye's. This lifestyle is not conducive to avoiding them, in fact it produces a lot of them. Parents, aunts, uncles, sister, brother, grandparents, good friends, old friends, best friends, new friends, friends i'll see again, some that i won't ( and i am yet to know the difference), those i'll be happy to see again but won't, those i don't want to see again but will, true friends, faithful friends, passers-by, a lover.

Each touches my life in such a way, howesoever small, that i cannot help but become a different person. I am constantly changing, taking pieces from the people around me, so that the next person i meet will meet someone new.

I am mobile. It has spelled the death of romance time and time again, before or after it's begun. It has been the overarching theme in a series of relationships that will leave me wanting.

It's almost time again. And from my experience, i can tell you that i will be just fine. I don't cry. I don't even regret the leaving. I am such a person that can be happy wherever i might be. However... i am left with that sensation of longing. Longing for the home that i have yet to build.

Ah, L'Amour

To be fair, 98% of the girls/women that i've met aren't at all like this... and the 2% that are may have good reasons for such defenses... as chainsaws, sharp knives, a revolver etc. In fact, the most telling part of the flick might be the part with the 'heavier set' lady... that i've found to be quite true on the part of the guy. All in good fun. Enjoy!

3 escenas

Ayer, yo estaba esperando fuera del hospital cuando empezó a llover (una sopresa…). Esto solamente puede añadir a la miseria de la gente que visita padres tal vez terminando la vida, amantes lesionados o hijos enfermos en el hospital. Y comenzó a llover más duro. Un buen día para quedar en la cama. Pero un pequeño porcentaje de la población estaba indiferente a la lluvia. No indiferente, de hecho, sacaron gozo de la lluvia. Ellos saltaron en los charcos, y cuando tuvieron la opción de caminar debajo de un techo o en la lluvia, por supuesto eligieron caminar con las bocas abiertas, para agarrar las gotas.

Cambio de la escena. En los carros chocones. La personalidad de cada uno fue manifestada en el estilo de manejar el carro. Algunos trataron de evitar los choques a toda costa. Me parecio que no disfrutaron el juego, solamente manejaron con rostros llenos de preocupación. Y me pregunté porque escogieron este juego… pero por encima de las preocupaciones de algunos, se puede oír los gritos de alegría de los niños.

En el bus para casa, había silencio. Casi. Solamente una persona estaba hablando, e irónicamente, fue la persona con más poca cantidad de práctica, no mas de tres años. Y de hecho, este niño era la única persona que estaba sonriendo… sin una cara inquietante y cansada, todavía sale ileso por los años.

Soundtrack to a Life

I've often wished I could have a continuous soundtrack to my life. Nothing to loud or elaborate, just some background music to put the finishing touches on moments of passion, freedom, loneliness, stupidity, and the general enjoying of life. And with my handy-dandy Ipod, i've almost got it i suppose... at any rate, i think you can learn a lot about a person from the books they read, the movies they enjoy, and for me, i think most can be communicated through the music i love, as it's such a strong part of my life. So here's a list of my favorite 11 songs with some commentary. Let me know if you want me to send you any of these, i'd be more than happy.

11. "Clair De Lune" by Claude Debussy. You might recognize it from the end of Ocean's Eleven. I'm a sucker for romantic music (not having to do with love, but the period of "classical" music that coincides with impressionism in painting, chronologically speaking) and this definitely is a thing of beauty.

10. "The Lighthouse's Tale" by Nickel Creek. I'm also a sucker for bluegrass. Not country. I loathe country music, but take away the twang of country and replace it with a mandolin, violin, and a solid acoustic guitar and you get Nickel Creek. This song is probably one of the saddest i've ever heard. Told from the perspective of the lighthouse, it recounts the tale of on old romance that ends in a death and a suicide.

9. "Push" by Matchbox 20. Told from the point of view of a neglected and abused woman, Rob Thomas pulls at the heartstrings with lyrics like "I don't know if i've ever been really loved/ by a hand that's touched me" and "I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me/ Couldn't stand to be near me/ When my face don't seem to want to shine". Powerful stuff.

8. "Come Away With Me" by Norah Jones. "The Nearness of You" could also be substituted for this song. There is nothing in the world that can set the right late evening, post-buzz, enjoyable company, wrapped-in-each-other's-arms mood than Norah. Simply beautiful.

7. "Kill" by Jimmy Eat World. After being put asleep by the past 4, this one will wake you up. A general rant on having to wait for a significant other, and a bitter complaint against an unrequieted love, the end of this song is full of strength. "I loved you, and I should've said it. But tell me just what has it ever meant? I can't help it, Baby, this is who I am. Sorry sorry but i can't just go turn off how i feel." Not so poetic, but with Jim Adkins vocals, very powerful.

6. "A Long December" by the Counting Crows. I borrowed lyrics of this song for the title of my blog, as it's home to some of my favorites. In general, the Counting Crows are great for poetic lyrics, aside from some of their newer pop that hit the United Statesian short waves. "The smell of hospitals in winter, and the feeling that it's all a lot of oyesters, but no pearls. And all at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl."

5. "Porcelain" by Moby. You know? I don't really know why i love this song. It's a beautiful work of art. It comes with pangs of guilt, however. "I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to lie. So this is goodbye".

4. "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap. If you've never heard this song before, you've never heard anything like it, so you just plain need to hear this song. Imogen layers her voice over itself a number of times using a synthesizer, no other instruments, and produces a haunting and beautiful song full of lush harmonies. Incredibly unique. If you listen to just one of these songs, though it's not in the #1 slot, listen to this one.

3. "Do What You Have To Do" by Sarah McLachlan. I can say with all confidence that Sarah McLachlan is the most poetic songwriter that I am aware of. It also helps that her musical originality and swooning voice are also added to the mix, which produces art, time and time again.

"What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do ...
And I have the sense to recognize that
I don’t know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I’m ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize
That I don’t know how
To let you go
I don’t know how
To let you go
A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I’m shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have sense to recognize but
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go "

2. "Sparks" by Coldplay. If i could have written any one song, i would've written this one. Very characteristic of my favorite music, Sparks is a lyrically simple, slow 6/8 ballad that seems to tell of romantic failings. "My Heart is yours, it's you that i hold on to. That's what i do. I know i was wrong, I won't let you down. Oh yeah i will yeah i will, yes i really will."

1. "Clocks" by Coldplay. This is it. This has been my favorite song since the first time i heard it in 2003. I can't exactly tell you why. Lyrically, it's absolutely nothing special at all. But it's moving and beautiful. It is this song i turn to to complete the most beautiful moments of my life. It begins every road trip, completes the thin air atmosphere of every mountain i've climbed in the Grand Tetons, and ends many of my days with my head on the pillow. "Home. Home. Where I wanted to go".

It's pretty ugly...

How much of your life has been determined by your physical appearance?

The skin that covers your muscles and bones seems to play a pretty big role in how a person develops, grows, is percieved and treated by the world around them.

For example: Psychological studies have shown a strong correlation between physical attractiveness and peer acceptance in early schooling. This acceptance then leads to boosts in self esteem at this crucial developmental juncture in which self-worth plays a large role in creating a positive world outlook. To make matters worse, a student who is physically easy on the eyes is more likely to receive positive feedback from instructors and teachers as well, which feeds the monster. By the time these students reach high school, there is a large disparity between the accepted and the rejected, all on the basis of physical appearance it seems.

Unfortunately, this doesn't go away with age. Studies also show a strong correlation between physical attractiveness and job hirings. In addition, in a work environment involving bartering of any kind, a physically 'attractive' individual will on average earn 4% more than an 'average' individual, and 11% more than an individual labeled as 'unattractive' by the study.

How about every day life? How many conversations have been initiated in a bar based purely on the physical appearance of the other person? Maybe this is excusable as physical appearance is almost the only evident trait when viewed from a distance, but the fact remains; Physical appearance seems to be the bait these fish are taking every time.

How much of the media is aimed at this human byproduct of beauty? Lose weight fast! Cut your chest open and put this piece of plastic inside of it so men will notice you! Regrow lost hair! Eat this cereal because it won't add to the cellulite on your thighs!

And the message continues... i have yet to see an ugly person on a magazine cover (ozzy osborne and michael jackson don't count) in a soap opera, the 6 o'clock news, an informercial, working at Aeropostale. There seems to be a monopoly of attractive individuals in certain niches in society. What are the chances that the world's best music is produced by only attractive people? Think of the talent that we will never hear, only because they weren't 'pretty' enough to make it in the industry.

And i freely admit that i am no different, i have treated the time i have as a commodity often spent on the attractive and withheld from the average on down. I walk into a room and 5 minutes later i can tell you which 3 women are the most attractive, their exact locations, and which one smiles the most. Am i doomed to be like this forever?

We all desire beauty, it's written deep into our nature. And i want to wake up next to someone beautiful every day of my marriage one day. But that doesn't have to mean physical beauty. I am convinced that my wife will NOT be knock-out gorgeous.

But she will have the most whimsical laugh, thought-provoking conversation, sharp wit. She will be ridiculous. She will have the ever-important ability to make me laugh. She will be selfless. She will the kind of person that you want to grow old with. She will be my best friend (along with my current best friends... who own the 2 most amazing personalities i have yet encountered in this life) And she will be beautiful to me, though she will never appear on the cover of Vogue. Thank God.

Challenge for myself: Ignore the ever present impulse to gravitate toward physical beauty and start the beautiful discovery of the rest of the world once swept under the carpet of what society says is best.

A toast: To personality. May you live long and frequent my life often.

Deep Thoughts...

"I think i'll write in my blog today."
"What shall i write about?"
"Hmm.... well... it has to be something deep, because that's what people do in blogs, they write very deep thoughts that make other people think deep thoughts."
"I have no deep thoughts... what do I do?"

And that's when i almost turned off my computer in a frustration of the shallowness of my mind. No deep thoughts today. No philosophies of how my German/Irish heritage has affected my present being.... no theories pertaining to the continual and overwhelming swell of united statesian influence... no suggestion for a new book to read.... and i sure as heck haven't got the whole 'love' thing figured out.

I have no deep thoughts today. Does that mean i have nothing to write about?

All i know right now is that i woke up today with breath in my lungs. I ate food. I had a conversation with someone who took the time to ask how i was doing... and i enjoyed it. I know that i will probably read a few Psalms today. I will probably play the guitar. I will dance. I will sing. I will enjoy my life today. But i will NOT be thinking deep thoughts.

I will simply enjoy the life that has been given me.

You see, i have the problem of over-analyzation. I get an idea in my head and it runs circles around my brain until i don't know which end is up, and i am deep deep in thought. I have been known to entertain myself for hours... by thinking. I make time to close my eyes, analyze, criticize, theorize, and hypothesize.

And all the while, i could've been simply spending time with those that i love.

Yes i think reflection is necessary. Necessary to learn from past mistakes and plan for the future so that we do not make as many new ones. But I would trade all my contemplation to spend a cold december night in front of the fire with the ones i love, sipping hot chocolate and listening to James Taylor.

So sorry folks, no deep thoughts today, i've decided to enjoy my life without analyzing it to death.

I am eerily close to something deep, so i will close down this entry to avoid any such nonsense in favor of the chords 'G', 'C', 'D', and 'Em', which with the right rhythm, lyrics, and melody, will then be converted into the song "Real World" by Matchbox 20.

Another Beautiful Girl

So... i have three notebooks full of songs. I once let my best friend look at one of them. And other than that, they have been mine. I have played songs out of them for others to hear, but they have never been so nakedly and unabashedly typed into black and white for all the world to see. Luckily though, i think my secret is still safe, just between you and I. Or maybe just myself. At any rate, I will go out on a limb and share a song with you. The song feels so naked without the accompaniments of a guitar and voice. I don't feel it's worthy to be called poetry, only song lyrics.

"Another Beautiful Girl" (Capo 2. Chords used: (C, Am, Em, G, Dm, F) Written on the 21st of March, 2006)


Verse 1:
Olive Skin
Chocolate Hair
Chestnut Eyes
I know I'm staring
She supposes
that what she knows is
what it's like for all the paintings on the wall
they say Another Beautiful Girl
Another Beautiful Girl
Just Another Beautiful Girl
Another Beautiful Girl

Verse 2:
All her life
Object eyes
No one knows
What's inside
She supposes
'Who needs roses'
for when she's wilting there's a dozen more for sale
Another Beautiful Girl
Another Beautiful Girl
Just Another Beautiful Girl
Another Beautiful Girl

Chorus:
Take heart my dear!
Wait through the years
For the captivated an
Who knows what hearts are for
Reach inside the frame
Know the girl behind the name
And like none that came before
Show you that you're so much more
Than Another Beautiful Girl

Bridge:
And so my queen
Wait for your king
and guard your heart
from the ones who think it's a disposable thing.

Chorus:
Take heart my dear!
Wait through the years
For the captivated an
Who knows what hearts are for
Reach inside the frame
Know the girl behind the name
And like none that came before
Show you that you're so much more
Than Another Beautiful Girl
Another Beautiful Girl
Another Beautiful Girl
Another Beautiful Girl

Battles and Beauties

Y con mi puenta de vista tan distinta, de una cultura distinta, un género distinto y escribiendo now in a different language, i take up my electronic 26-keyed pen instead of my tried and true paper and pencil (not even a pen)and enter into the electronic age. And what a strange age it is in which we live...

I feel the same so often... "desubicada: en la época equivocada", living in a world of 'implantes' y 'pleitos'. One one sense, it's always been this way, only with different cultural contexts but the idea behind each remains: Men need a battle to fight; Women need to feel beautiful.

I propose that neither of these are in and of themselves a bad thing; only severly mishandled, misconstrued and mistakenly manifested in the society in which we live. But give me the chance to explain before i am assigned the title 'machista' or chauvinistic.

Men need a battle to fight. They always have and always will. If a man does not have a battle to fight, he will find one. The problem? Where are all the dragons to slay, castles to storm, and maidens to rescue? One cannot simply take up a broadsword and charge the hills and call it a days' work. Our battles have changed; the hearts of men are the same. And just like all throughout history, there are valient battles and there are those fought for personal gain. There are the Joan of Arcs, the William Wallaces, the Aragorns, and yet there seem to be an overwhelmingly growing number of the second type. These men have no great battle to fight.

Few men these days find battles worth fighting for. Yet as i said before, ALL men will find a battle to fight. And so many take up the sword for their favorite soccer team, their politics, thier climb up the corporate ladder, live vicariously through sports, movies, videogames... or worse, they take up the sword AGAINST... thier son, their daughter, their wife.

Even a bored man must have a battle to fight, for in this meaning is given to life. It is written into the heart of every man. It is essential. Not that women do not have their own battles to fight, i am only saying that there is something dangerous written into the hearts of men, and when properly channeled, life is given.

And yet, there remain a few men who find truly great battles.

Some men have their eyes opened to great causes that have been and may always be; poverty, sickness, and the oppression of the weak. These are also worthy causes that take every ounce of strength a man has been given.

Some battle for their hearts of their beloved. This is done in prayer, in word, in thought, in deed... doing all that is possible to heal old wounds from older boyfriends and past lovers that have left scars. These men build trust, tear down the walls that separate, and win the heart of the princess in order to lead on into the shared adventure known as life.



Women need to feel beautiful. Made of a different substance than man, the heart of a woman is not so much fierce as wonderfully seductive, inviting, and kind. Not to say that the heart of a woman is not a dangerous place, because it most definitely is. Few men dare to enter, i mean REALLY dare to enter.


Most men seem to seek a woman to 'fulfill' a need, to get what they want. They know that there is beauty there, but instead of nourishing and growing and sharing, they take it for a time and leave it behind, scarred, burning, and used.

The heart of almost every woman i have met has been injured by a man who has chosen the wrong battle to fight, thinking that their greatest battle was to 'get her to like me'. That is only where the battle begins, when a man commits to protect, defend, and give all that he has for the heart of a woman. The injuries come from many sources; and abusive father, a cheating boyfriend. The message seems to come out somewhat the same. You're not good enough. There is something dirty about your sexuality. You are not worth fighting for. You are not beautiful. And so the scars grow deeper.

Women are taught that they are worth what they look like. And so lives are lived through "un implante de senos", through confidence in the physical form. Possibly throwing themselves at a man in hopes that she will be loved, or taking control herself; taking pleasure from the conquering of a sexual parter or two or three or fifteen.

And so it goes. Men are scared to fight real battles. Women are taught that all they have to offer is their body.

Are we left without hope?

No.

There are some men who will battle for the heart of a woman. Thier worth does not come from their favorite team, the size of their muscles, or their salary, and it is reflected in how he interacts with the world, how a life is lived

There are some women who are inviting, beautiful inside and out, and sensual, and yet not to the point of being sexual. They know their worth comes from something other than their measurements, and this is reflected in how she interacts with the world, how a life is lived.

So what do we do?

We spread the word. There is more to live for.

And we wait. We wait for the valient and venerable prince, the independent and inviting princess. We will settle for no less. We have been down that road and we know where it goes. We will wait. We will abandon our petty battles and our preocupations with outward beauty and meet somewhere in between; we will "abandonar cada uno esos lugares –que de por sí son tan fríos y desolados- y optar por irse a vivir juntos al trópico". We will wait. We will wait.



-Mark

About the title of this blog: A Disclaimer

First of all, let me say that i may not have any use for a blog. I'm not sure what purpose this will serve. It seems like a good way to get ideas into written form, defined and concrete, but i already do this with songwriting. I suppose this blog doesn't come with a pressure of syllables and rhymes so much as song lyrics.

And speaking of song lyrics, the title of this blog is but only a part of a verse from the song "A Long December" by the Counting Crows.

The smell of hospitals in winter
and the feelling that it's all a lot of oyesters, but no pearls.
And all at once you look across a crowded room
to see the way that light attaches to a girl

I like that image, the second one. It describes, to me, an ability to see beauty among the ordinary. In a 'crowded room' full of average, dull, run-of-the-mill, you look across a crowded room to really see something; the way that light attaches to a girl. Natural beauty highlighted by natural beauty.